Mario Strokes His Wee Wee
by Happy Dickfart
Summary: Prepare to cum buckets.


Mario Strokes His Wee Wee, by Dickfart

 _Crawling in my skin_

 _These wounds they will not heal_

 _Fear is how I fall_

 _Confusing what is real_

Mario's knees hit the stone floor as he let out an anguished cry. He could still smell the ashes from his charred mustache. It was not the first, not the second, nor the third, forth, fifth, or sixth time this travesty has occurred, but the seventh. The seventh castle he'd risked life and limb to conquer, and the Princess was in another one.

And to think, just a minute ago he'd cried "so long, gay Bowser!" with such bravado. Such confidence. Such euphoria. Such an enlightened state of completeness. It was like the time he realized that God didn't exist, the government was useless, and even existence itself was a lie. The true bliss he felt at letting go of his earthly need to have a purpose in life, all to have it brutally slashed away, because the Princess was hanging out with her dick boyfriend, gay Bowser, in some other shitty castle. She should have been dating him instead, because unlike gay Bowser, Mario was a Nice Guy.

Or so he lead himself to believe. In actuality, Mario served no purpose. He was unemployed, because instead of unclogging toilets and fixing leaky pipes like normal plumbers do, he instead became obsessed with the needs of his own leaky pipe. You know, the one in his tighty whities. That is what lead him to the life of vigilantism!

And he loved it! He went around flattening the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom FOR GREAT JUSTICE, and hoped a hope of all hope that the Princess would be, not in another motherfuckingpisscunting castle, but the one on her knees now, gobbling up his hardened member with fervor and gratitude. Because he was a Nice Guy.

Alas, she was in another castle.

 _There's something inside me_

 _That pulls beneath the surface_

 _Consuming, confusing_

 _This lack of self control I fear_

 _Is never ending, controlling_

"You should leave," said Billy the Toad, towering over Mario at a massive five feet and three inches. Well, it was massive to Mario, at least. He was a short man and he hated it. The only time he felt large was when he gobbled down some psychedelic shrooms. They screamed when they went down his esophagus, and since he had a serious vore fettish, those screams made him rock hard. Not once had he ventured into gay Bowser's castle without a massive hard on. Hell, being the open-minded and somewhat desperate man that he was, he had even offered to let gay Bowser give him a blowie on more than one occasion.

Gay Bowser's answer was a fireball to the face, which was NOT one of Mario's fettishes.

"Hello, earth to shitty, unemployed douchebag. Our Princess isn't here, so how's about getting the fuck outta here before I call the cops?"

If words could kill like touching a weak ass turtle could, Mario would be obliterated by that sick burn. Instead, he dropped trow and let out his dong.

 _I can't seem to find myself again_

 _My walls are closing in_

 _(Without a sense of confidence)_

 _(I'm convinced that there's)_

 _(Just too much pressure to take)_

 _I've felt this way before so insecure_

"I'mma sick of this'a motherfucking shit!" said Mario. Billy ran away screaming. Not even a ophiocordyceps unilateralis's zombie host (which all Toads are) deserved to have its body sodomized by an unemployed, tripped up drug addict with a raging boner. Even if that raging boner was a mere three inches long. No wonder gay Bowser wasn't interested.

 _Crawling in my skin_

 _These wounds they will not heal_

 _Fear is how I fall_

 _Confusing what is real_

"I will'a never get laid!" shouted Mario to the castle ceiling, pulling his pork to the sound of his own echo. What a beautiful sound that echo was. No one loved Mario's voice as much as Mario himself, except perhaps Luigi, who was sitting in the Player 2 seat as usual while his brother had a tug of war with cyclops. It wasn't such a bad view really. He watched sweat drip into his brother's buttcrack and all the moisture left his mouth. This shouldn't be hot, he told himself, and he deluded himself into believing it. Deluding himself was what Luigi did best.

Like how he deluded himself into thinking he was in all ways inadequate to Mario, including in dick size; however, Luigi had a six inch penis and got boned by his boyfriend Link whenever they found the time. They hooked up on hornygayvideogamecharacters dot com, and hit it off immediately when they realized they shared the same favorite color, green. It's the only thing they had in common, but somehow they built a stable and loving relationship around that.

And Luigi was still a plumber part time, because Mario never noticed when he left the Player 2 seat anyway. And why would he? Despite being drug addicted, unemployed, sex starved, and entirely alone, Luigi firmly believed Mario's life was the superior one anyway, and he hero worshipped his brother, even now, while he wanked his willie and cried pathetically about it.

 _Discomfort, endlessly has pulled_

 _Itself upon me distracting, reacting_

 _Against my will I stand beside my own reflection_

 _It's haunting how I can't seem_

"I will'a find you, Princess!" Mario shouted, and jerked off harder to the sound of his echo. Luigi might have started jerking it, too, just because of the atmosphere of course, not because of any latent incestuous urges or anything like that. What do you think this is, Alabama? Anyway, instead of beating his meat to this nonsense, his phone vibrated. Link shared a picture of his newest cock piercing, so Luigi did the right thing and followed his boner elsewhere. Not even Player 2 could be arsed to stick around this shithole.

Meanwhile, Mario was still making turkey jerky. Still choking his chicken. Still peeling his chillies. Still trying to imagine that his gloved hand was the hot, tight embrace of Princess Toadstool's peachy anus.

 _To find myself again_

 _My walls are closing in_

 _(Without a sense of confidence)_

 _(I'm convinced that there's)_

 _(Just too much pressure to take)_

 _I've felt this way before so insecure_

Through his tears and boogers crusting on his singed mustache, Mario's portly body convulsed with orgasm, his semen panting the cold concrete in his essence. He considered it marking his territory. The Princess would be his, or else. Or else he would have to give in to the soul-crushing nihilism that was yanking him nose first into the void like a black hole. Or was that just the Mario 64 title screen fucking with him again? Well, anyway, there was no escaping it really, but because he was a motherfucking hero, he thought he deserved to slide his throbbing girth into one pert, puckered pooper.

"Hehehehe," said Boo, floating toward Mario while he had his back turned.

 _Crawling in my skin_

 _These wounds they will not heal_

 _Fear is how I fall_

 _Confusing what is real_

However, right before Boo could reach Mario, Mario had turned around. Earlier he had dropped trow, and now he was retrieving it. It was Boo's sole purpose to cause Mario a horrific death. It was damned for all eternity to follow this sick fuck around whenever his back was turned, but Mario just kept on going. More things to crush dead in his path. More castles to stop and jerk off in. And then, there was Luigi, who made excuses for it all, whose only saving grace was that he'd grown increasingly bored of his brother's antics, and chose to get laid instead.

Speaking of choices, Mario's decision to turn around at that moment was most frustrating, and lead Boo to realize the horrendous farce that was his being. It caused him a great deal of anguish, so much so that his eyes lost their focus in a blank gaze, and blood started dripping out of them.

 _Crawling in my skin_

 _These wounds they will not heal_

 _Fear is how I fall_

 _Confusing, confusing what is real_

"I'm coming, gay Bowser!" said Mario, dashing toward the eighth castle with renewed fervor and an all new tent in his overalls. He would repeat this cycle in every Mario game henceforth, never getting laid, never getting rid of gay Bowser permanently, and never kicking the shroom habit, until the eight-thousand nine-hundred seventy-sixth game Mario starred in came out. That's in the far future, when he and Nintendo give up and drown in a sea of piss, shit, and come, while Sony and Microsoft crawl so far up their own asses that they disappear into the voids that are their respective, figurative rectal cavities. Only then will Sega rise from the ashes with their progressive gay edgelord, Shadow the Hedgehog, as their lord and savior. They promise it won't be like 2005 this time.

 _There's something inside me_

 _That pulls beneath the surface_

 _Consuming_

 _(Confusing what is real)_

 _This lack of self control I fear_

 _Is never ending, controlling_

 _(Confusing what is real)_

THE END

Author's Note: The song is Crawling by Linkin Park and it's the best song ever, fuck you if you don't agree.


End file.
